Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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