I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
