dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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