someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
