he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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