Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
