Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I lost the right to judge tonight
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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