You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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