i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
