I want to stick my p in your. b.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
