My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
