Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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