I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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