she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.