Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
