he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
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judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
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I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.