Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
