We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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