Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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