ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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