Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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