The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
