Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
