I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
