I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
