so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
