i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
