just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
