If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
