while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
