Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
