Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
