i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
