My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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