why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
