Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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