I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
