now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
