just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
