it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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