you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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