Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
