The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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