You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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