i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have surprise drugs for everyone
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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