two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
