Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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