"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
