no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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