she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
