Banned from zoo.
Again?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
