went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
