R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think my moral compass just broke
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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