i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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