last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
