I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
