well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It was confusing and full of hummus
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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