a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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