I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
