My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
