How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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