YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
