blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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